This is perhaps because, despite recent amendments made to the Academy of Motion Arts and Sciences, to you know, diversify, the people who vote are almost all men. Close to 70 per cent in fact. And close to 90 per cent of the some 6000 voters are white. This is adjusting for the announcement made in 2016 that the Academy is aiming to double the amount of women and minorities by 2020. Moreover, the median age of voters is 62, with just 14 per cent of voters aged 50 and under.

So then. It's fair to say that all the choices for Best Motion Picture came from the minds of old men. I beg your pardon, ageless men with smooth faces, gleaming teeth and incredible hair.

And a look at the movies nominated would seem to support this. Can you imagine the average voter? Allow me to imagine for you.

"Yes, I enjoyed The Shape of Water, so poignant! That poor little mute girl found love - and that's important these days, for those disabled types to find love, however they find it, you know, a man loves a man and that's Call Me By Your Name, which I didn't see, but I've heard was interesting - or a woman loves a fish, it's all wonderful, and modern, and I'm all for it.

"Reminds me of a young girl who used to help my assistant director, she had a disability, poor thing. She had a blood condition, or something, oh, no that's not it. Oh it was her metabolism - that's right. It was dreadfully slow, so she was, what's the term we use today? I can't keep up! Ah yes, she was plus-sized. Big girl. Didn't let that stop her though, which is just so inspiring when I think about her now."

"The Post. Oh, it's just so clever the way it mirrors exactly what's going on in politics right now. And Meryl is just a tour de force. I remember when Katherine Graham was publisher, actually. Back then we all wondered what the hell she was doing there; she was just so odd and cold, really, I mean, for a woman. Ahh, oh Meryl, is so amazing though."

"Oh Dunkirk! I remember that battle! Well, I remember my father telling me about it. Well, I remember my father telling me about his friend who read a book on it. Tremendous film. Tremendous!"

"It's men fighting for what is right, and that resonated deeply with me because, last year, when I was trying to extend my infinity pool, the neighbours lodged a complaint, saying it was invading their backyard. Pedro, my executive pool assistant had a look for me, and told me they were full of it. So I stuck to my guns."

"Ah yes! The Darkest Hour! Back when leaders - like Winston Churchill - really knew how to lead! Or, they knew how to give good speeches, which is the same thing really. Why, it reminds me of that time I told the catering staff at my daughter's "Save the Date" cocktail party for her engagement to Tommy to make sure every single champagne glass was filled! And by God they filled them! They know how to follow orders."

"Oh, I've heard about Get Out. It's an important film, very important. Very much so. It's on my list to watch, I just have been so busy promoting my own work this year. You know, my project about a cantankerous old man who is rescued from loneliness by a quirky 23 year-old who teaches him how to break dance? Oh, it will debut at Sundance, you'll love it. It's a comedy. No, no there's no minorities in there, they just don't seem to bring the chemistry somehow."

"Ladybird! Now there's a pretty girl! No, not that Irish one, I can't pronounce her name! No, the director, Greta Gerwig! So pretty. I spoke to her at the SAG awards. She actually seems quite with it, which is so rare for young women, you know. They're all crying "Me Too!" but I don't recall Ava Gardner ever complaining about being hit on! That was back when dames were dames - you could slap them around and they would scream and then you'd laugh with them later over scotch and soda, and ice of course! Oh they needed ice! Ha!"

"Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri... yes, another important one. I really do love it when an underdog stands up for themselves."

"Look, I'll be honest with you, I haven't seen The Phantom Thread, because for the longest time I actually thought it was part of the new Star Wars movies, and I fell asleep at the last one, so ... as a matter of fact, I could do with a siesta right now. Selena? Could you tell Pedro to turn down my bedsheets? I'll be up in a minute."